Why do I not hold David responsible for the murders of our daughters?

Psychosis is unpredictable and can be dangerous.  David killed in a psychotic state.  What caused the psychosis?  I believe the medication caused the psychosis.  Therefore, I hold the medication responsible.  Who thought the medication was a good idea?  Doctors prescribe under a standard of care that very much includes these drugs in these combinations.  So, the blame goes back to pharmaceutical companies and the FDA in the approval process of medications that they say they believe help most but can hurt some.

David’s brother poses some great questions that I have as well without answers but let’s note them.  Why didn’t the doctors notice the increased agitation?  Sleeplessness is not usually a sign of depression, why weren’t more questions asked?  In his long history of taking the SSRI medications, why had nobody notices that what began as anxiety only changed to depression after the antidepressants were began, not before?  David only missed work after he would start taking the medications.

I can note that I did notice some of these things and repeatedly asked the treating doctors.  Great, I would say, now you have turned him from an anxious sleepy person into a medication person still struggling.  Each time, the answers were that medication takes 3 – 6 weeks to kick in and we just needed to wait it out.  Have faith in the medication and the providers would up the dosage if David wasn’t better in 6 weeks. It was an exasperating explanation but I wasn’t the doctor.  But, I am the one who lost greatly with their lack of concern for my questions and observations.  I will not let this happen again to one of my loved ones and you should not either.


Are these drugs safe when there is the possibility of violence and the FDA has approved them?

There are conflicts of interest and lots of money being made in spite of the possibilities for a certain few.  It took me years to accept the sad reality of this simple fact.  The Emperor’s New Drugs:  Exploding the Antidepressant Myth is a great book published in 2010 by Irving Kirsch, PhD that addresses some of our current understandings about these drugs.

The FDA does know that these drugs can cause violence in some people.  The Black Box warnings have been extended from children to young adults but more disclosure is needed for adults as well.


Do we still live in the house where so much horror and sadness happened that day?

Yes we still live in our house near Charlotte, North Carolina.  It was one day, one very bad day, but the other days held much joy, peace and love. The house has been a respite of healing.  Who better to sanctify this place but this family?  How many angels surrounded all of us in that horror…where was David’s angel?  I cannot answer that but I know that free will was drastically impaired.  How many saints from heaven accompanied Tess and Sam beyond these walls?  Why would God allow such a sad, horrific event to happen?  What about Job?  What about the sweetness of this family and our earthly happiness?  Well, that is where all the questions cannot be answered.  Maybe, the answers will be clear in the next life…but I believe there is much we can learn in this life.  Some of us are still alive and we are not going to let the truth be denied.


Wonder what I could have done differently?

I always come up the answer of not trusting the doctors and others for our mental health care.  That is what is working now for the living among us.  We challenge everything.  We do not support random dispensing of these drugs.  Drug recommendations without clearly addressing side effects are a limited tool that these doctors can use to help us because not enough reasonable discussion has been had regarding why this happened to David and our girls.

These girls did not know to fear the face of their father in that moment nor did they have any skills to protect themselves from the attack.  I live with this every day of my life as I would not have known that face with David’s features either. I still wonder what I could have done on that day and wonder why I didn’t die trying.  Although, I didn’t die and must go on as each of you must as well.  Especially, of course, David did not die and must go on to seek the higher purpose of such apparent evil that God permitted.


Why do I stick to honoring my marriage commitment? 

If someone you love has always been wonderful and does the unthinkable, do you stop loving him or do you try to figure out what happened?  Do you stay in the horror letting fear over take you?  Or, do you look for the higher angels of our natures to guide us and alert us to the truth.  The truth is liberating and faith in the higher purposes of this life propels us on.  God must have a plan for good in all this that appears bad on so many levels.  I believe in a loving God who guides us through this life.  Granted, much of our story does not feel like love but there is purpose.  I still love David Crespi and want the truth to make a difference for him and all of us.


Was David a monster or was this one monstrous act that could not be explained in the moment?

I can assure you that the acts of killing Tessara and Samantha were not those of the David Crespi I knew every other moment before the tragedy or the person who has come out of the storm of medication induced reactions.  You could not possibly know this unless I tell you and I am telling you, this was an isolated medication induced tragedy for this family and for this community.  Beyond the horror and sadness of the act, finding the truth and going on with it is the safest and most beneficial choice for all.


What should have happened?

Definitely arrest. Then the umbrella of mental healthcare in America should have stepped in to figure it out.  They should not hold someone criminally responsible for medication induced acts beyond a person’s ability to resist.  Then, a hospital (highly secured) for recovery and restoration into society.  The truth alleviates the fear that could over take us if we thought this was a random unexplained event.  In prison, David has never taken a violent moment.  He has witnessed violence. He is a peace maker, a helper, a man imprisoned for an act where he was one of the victims.  Is this just?  I do not think so.


Do we miss Tessara and Samantha?

Oh my goodness…YES…every minute of every day.  I truly had hoped that losing a child would be a journey of great recovery but I can tell you that it is as people say it is…one of the hardest realities to live with in this life.  I see this on the faces and in the hearts of every one I meet who has been chosen to bear this burden.  It doesn’t get easier.  But, we have also learned to take the next steps with so much gratitude.  We are so grateful that Tessara and Samantha were part of our world if only for the five sweet, near perfect, years of the Crespi 7 together with hope and faith and above all…love!


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